Many villager’s lives were completely ruined last night when a delivery lorry parked in the High Street. The lorry, delivering vital supplies of Stella Artois to a shop whose name implies that it’s cheap even though it’s not, stopped to unload its precious  cargo, causing absolute misery to unhappy commuters. 

The situation was exacerbated by the closure of Breakspear Road, which is to be shut for six weeks for essential cat’s eye maintenance. The council estimate these works to run over budget by millions of pounds and continue  until at least the New Year. 

Tailbacks from the bottleneck ran all the way back to the Swakeleys Roundabout  causing chaos for villagers returning from early Christmas shopping in Uxbridge and to the Rose and Crown in the other direction, where frustrated motorists abandoned their cars and took advantage of the pub’s happy hour, a pint of Old Bedwetter with a nettle whiskey chaser for a fiver.

Many villagers took to the popular Facebook page Harefield Up Your Arse to register their disgust. Sacked Co-Op shelf stacker Jamie Tinfoil-Nutjob, 22, from Regan Close on the Sweeney estate, promised to have a word with head office of the supermarket chain and use his considerable influence to get them to stop only in marked loading bays that would run the entire length of the High Street. 

Mr.Green the Grocer suggested the way to solve the parking problems in the High Street would be to make the other side of the road allocated spaces for shop owners only. That way no one would be able to park and traffic would keep rolling through. 

Mr.Bacon the Butcher complained ” I don’t care what they do. I just wish someone would wave at me. I get so alone I play my radio really loud for company “. 

Back in the High Street tempers frayed as the delays showed no sign of ceasing. Tony Bell the Ice Cream man got involved in a road rage incident with Gemma Pelle the French teacher from the Harefield Academy for Gifted Children, both refusing to give way to a blue light ambulance, and motorist Jason Wastrel, 32. from Broadwater Gardens complained “I only popped to Bill the Bookies to put a bet on. It took me two hours to drive back to the Legion. That’s the trouble, too many people use their cars for unnecessary journeys when they could walk. Bone idle some folks!”  

Our reporter spoke to vicar’s wife Emily Pancakes who ranted about the delivery driver’s inconsideration for others. “I told him to fuck off and he just ignored me! How fucking rude is that?”