Mysterious crop circle designs appeared overnight on Saturday at a Harefield farm. Pea farmer Jethro Sileage from Breakspear Farm awoke early on Sunday morning to milk his chickens and from his bedroom window saw strange patterns amongst the pea plants in his top field. 

“My first thought was that I must’ve left the gate open and the cows had got in and ate the peas as I was pretty pissed last night. Then I remembered I was a pea farmer and I didn’t have no cows” he told the Scandal. “We’d had a bit of a shindig on the farm cos this year’s crop of peas was looking likely to be a bumper one what with all the rain we’ve had. I got some Old Bedwetter Scrumpy from the Malt House Brewery, picked a few mushrooms and I don’t remember much else!”  

Nearby residents had reported seeing strange orange flashing lights in the early hours of Sunday morning. Barry Tinfoil-Nutjob, 42, who lives with his parents  round Ash Grove spoke to our reporter “It’s UFOs innit? Everyone knows it’s aliens what make the crop circles. They control the Freemasons who run the Illuminati who control the New World Order which is run by aliens or something. It’s all a big conspiracy. The clues are all there if you watch Hollyoaks!”  

The story quickly made the TV news and national press. Reporters and film crews camped outside the farm gates desperate to interview anybody for soundbites. Bilbo Hornitoes, 110, a hobbit from Mount Pleasant, told the press “That’s one of Puddifoot’s. They’ve been doing the crop circles round here for centuries. I recognise the style, they mostly do knobs”. 

Crop circle designer Groggo Puddifoot at work. 

Just then Big Jessy the tractor driver turned up for work at the wheel of his big green tractor with the orange light flashing on top. “Crop circles? What, last night?” he asked the presenter from the BBC programme Country Cousins. “I dunno too much about last night. Me an me mates got pissed up on scrumpy and I don’t remember all that. I know we played truth or dare and I think I got on the tractor, turned on the orange light and went for a drive around the field and er, erm, er, y’know” 

“Crop circles? They’re done by aliens aren’t they?”  

Report by Ivor Tractor. Farming correspondent.