A barge has got stuck upstream of Springwell Lock on the Grand Union Canal. The narrow boat is currently wedged sideways, blocking all traffic in and out of Harefield. The skipper, Captain Fish Fingers, 76, from West Drayton, told the Scandal’s Waterways correspondent Jack Slock “I was approaching the lock when I realised I’d forgotten my mask so I went down below to get it and when I came back to the tiller I saw we were stuck across the cut”

The barge was carrying a cargo of attack ostriches, bound for Six Finger Security, a hobbit run company from Mount Pleasant who operate a protection racket on the HS2 site. The ostriches have escaped and are currently terrorising the swampies at Maple Cross.

Two passing Mill Endites, Deano and Jacko, witnessed the whole thing. Deano said “It was complete chaos. There we were waking along the canal towpath dressed as weeds as usual when the barge ran aground across the canal, the attack ostriches escaped and started attacking groups of swans before heading off in the direction of Maple Cross”. Jacko took up the story “We started after the ostriches to attempt recapturing them but a bunch of wildlife conservationists from Chris Wicks Rescue Service thought we were hunters so they started firing bow and arrows at us. Then some geezer on a barge started playing the Benny Hill theme on a saxophone”.

At the time of going to press the Scandal understands the ostriches have taken over Maple Cross Little House on the Prairie Club and some swampies have sought refuge in the donkey sanctuary behind the Cross pub. The Royal Oak have denied rumours that they have added ostrich curry to their lunchtime menu.

Deano and Jacko. You can follow their adventures as they walk the towpath from Birmingham to London to raise awareness of Sarcoma at https://www.facebook.com/groups/2893530520904320/?ref=share

Be nice to bung ‘em a few quid.