A Cup Final at Harefield United’s Preston Park was halted yesterday afternoon after a suspicious package was found stuffed behind the cistern in the ladies bogs. The Swan Inn Memorial Cup match between Harefield Under 21s and IRA Celtic FC was already rated high security risk by the Harefield Constabulary as it was a repeat of last year’s final when Police horses, water cannons and tear gas were deployed to restrain Celtic’s volatile manager Seamus Bricktop. 

The stadium and clubhouse were evacuated and the Police, the Army and Doctor Who were called to carry out a seat by seat search to locate any more undiscovered devices. Homes in nearby Nothing Ryhmed Road on the Gilbert O’Sullivan estate were also evacuated and residents told to take shelter in the nearest large building which happened to be of course the Football Club.  With crowds of football supporters leaving the ground and evacuees from Nothing Ryhmed Road trying to enter chaos ensued and police had to close the Breakspear Road between the Spotted Dalmation bed and breakfast and the Old Workhouse Orphanage. 

The Bomb Disposal Squad carried out a controlled explosion on the package which was found to contain some sandpaper, a turpentine soaked rag, a pair of ladies knickers and a tuna sandwich, presumably left over from the previous day’s painting party by club volunteers. 

The game eventually restarted with the Hares running out 4-1 winners, restoring some club pride after a disastrous first team season ended in disgrace. The future looks bright for United with youngsters such as goal scorer Lappers Collett coming through knocking on the first team door. 

The game was not without incident and IRA Celtic manager Seamus Bricktop was dismissed ten minutes before full time for threatening to tar and feather linesman Mick Magoo over an offside decision. 

The cancelled first team open top double decker 347 bus victory parade will now go ahead through Harefield High Street on FA Cup Final Day for the Under 21 team, with most of the first team watching from the stocks on the common whilst being pelted with tuna sandwiches, turpentine soaked rags and ladies knickers by furious season ticket holders. 

Hugh Wossit

Chief Sports Reporter 

The victorious Harefield United Cup Winners sponsored by Peverills Newsagents.