Missing Circus performer Willhelm de Wonker was recaptured yesterday evening. The acrobat, who had escaped that afternoon, was found disguised as a clown in the Harefield Inn, playing darts. 

Mr. Ho Ho Ho, landlord of the official Best Pub In The Village, told the Scandal “It was really busy in the pub. It was quiz night, we had a funeral party in, there was a darts match on and the Harefield Ukelele Orchestra were in the corner practising their own style of West Coast psychedelic jazz funk fusion to an oompah beat naked. I saw this bloke dressed as a clown playing darts and knocking back the Guinness and well, I just assumed it was Hoppy the Geordie pissing about!”  

He continued “It was only when the real Hoppy walked in that I realised all was not right. Still, he must’ve had eight pints in an hour, Hoppy that is, and they seemed to be getting on well together and not causing trouble so I left them be”. 

The clown, left, with Hoppy. 

It seems there was a bit of a rumpus when Kezza the Wonder Barmaid brought out the sandwiches for the funeral party, the darts players assumed the butties were for them and started tucking in. The acrobat, having missed his dinner at the circus, was particularly hungry and took more than his fair share. A mourner mentioned this, to which he replied” What’s up with you? No one’s died y’know!” and things got a bit heated. 

Eventually two stripogram policemen from a hen party put their handcuffs on the acrobat and dragged him off to the circus, hoping to claim the reward of two half price vouchers for yesterday’s matinee performance. 

Hoppy the Geordie told our reporter “Haddaway an shite man, yon bonny lad is a reet canny gadgie. Fair play marra ye canna whack it!”  Just then his phone rang. “Aww naaaw man it’s the missus like. She’s panicking like ah divvent knaa what! I better get ganning pet. Why aye man! She’ll have us tea ready, it’s chips, stotties n pease pudding the neet!”

Wrongful arrest. Hoppy the Geordie is mistakenly returned to the circus.