The human only Billy Mills Cirque du Croissant Extravaganza on the common is to put on a late night live sex show on Saturday following disappointing ticket sales so far. 

The marketing ploy of flooding the local shops with half price vouchers didn’t work as an eagle eyed villager read the small print which stipulates that to qualify for half price you have to purchase two fifteen pound programmes, two hot dogs and a sack of chilli peanuts for the performers. This piece of information spread rapidly on the popular Facebook page Harefield Up Your Arse resulting in poor attendances at Thursday’s shows. 

Circus owner, West Indian elephant Johnny Too Bad told the Scandal “Things were getting desperate and we needed a gimmick. With no animals you can’t have a big parade like we used to, it just looks like an Anti-Austerity protest march. I got the idea when we recaptured that escaped acrobat. When we put him back in his cage he immediately started to hump one of the tightrope walkers and I thought that’ll bring in the crowds. I’ll put a bit of viagra in his stotty cake”. 

If the evening is a success there is talk of Billy Mills opening up a string of pole dancing clubs with drunken strippers, to be called Spearmint Winos. 

Villagers seem to be less than impressed with the idea of a live sex show on the common.  “You can see that on the common any Saturday night for nothing” said Jeremy Wilson-Heath, 43, a Lego hod carrier from Pond Close. “Or you can go dogging in what was the Mines Royal car park. Former landlord Old Jack Bridges would have a fit if he knew. Or be looking out the window at them!”  

Tickets for the X rated performance can be obtained online at http://www.harefield-porno.com , at the Box Office on the common or from the Trading Hut at the allotments on the first Sunday of the month. Audience members are advised to bring their own tissues.