From 24th July it will become compulsory for villagers to wear hats whilst visiting the local shops. Rumours that this would be extended to the mandatory wearing of dinner jackets were squashed but apparently new footwear regulations are being considered.

The new by-law was passed at an emergency meeting of village elders in the Scout Hut last night. The Harefield and District Rural Council has been mayorless since Mr. Smudger from round Ash Grove retired to Walmington on Sea in a continuity error earlier this year and the community has been governed by the elders ever since.

A spokesman for the Council of Elders, the Bloke Who Walks Backwards Along Harvil Road, told the Scandal “It has been drawn to our attention that since Mr. Smudger absconded with the council tea and biscuit kitty standards have been steadily and rapidly declining. The current craze of going out in public hatless must be halted before things go too far. Next thing you know gentlemen will stop wearing capes and carrying walking canes!”

The Vicar, Reverend Killjoy added “This decline in standards must be stopped in its tracks immediately and some form of standards restored. Not only are people not wearing hats when they go to Cost Cutters, they’re also wearing pyjamas and masks! What do they think this is? Fancy fucking dress?”