Glen Puddifoot, famous country and western singer from Mount Pleasant, passed away last week at the young age of two hundred and fourteen. The hobbit, who was famous for such hits as Two Bob Cowson, Gentle On My Knob and West Hyde Story, had fought a long brave battle against web-foot and mouth disease. He is survived by his six hobbit wives, thirty six children, one hundred and eighteen grandchildren and his pet courier snail Wells Escargot. Harefield’s pubs are due to close on Friday for the funeral as thousands of hobbit families are expected to arrive from all over the Middlesex Shire and hobbits are well known for picking fights with the tree and tarmac gangs when they are pissed.

Legion To Reopen For New Years Eve Party.

The Harefield Royal British Legion Ex-Serviceman’s Working Man’s Social Club is to open its doors again for business by New Years Eve, although it is not yet understood in which particular year. The club, often dubbed the Batley Variety Club of the South by its members, has been closed since earlier this year when a mystery fire broke out in the middle of the night, burning all the crisps to, well, a crisp. While the village’s top night spot was being renovated, regulars decamped to other lesser establishments in the village. The heavy drinkers took up membership of the football club, the darts team moved out of the village to Stobys Fish and Chip Shop in Denham and the bingo players were helped out by the generosity of the Harefield Inn. Bingo player Minnie Metro, 93, from Merle Haggard Avenue told the Scandal “We’ll all be glad to get back to the legion, after paying them fucking prices!”

Harefield Hare To Be Silenced.

The famous Harefield Hare on the common is to be silenced for a duration of four years whilst undergoing urgent repairs. The popular tourist attraction normally chimes every hour at seven minutes past the hour and is quite a talking point as it has no bell. Council officer Roger Redtape told the Scandal “The new Hare will be an all singing all dancing version, the likes of which has never been seen before” When asked to elaborate he replied “It just will that’s all! Anyway if we can get the villagers interested in this it’ll take their minds off the almighty mess we’re making at the other end of the village with HS2!”

Sports News. Football Team Still Useless

Two games into the season and the Hares are yet to pick up a point. Club President Lord Dovedale told our sports reporter Owen Goal “Things are going rather well for the club right now. We have a new barmaid who doesn’t nick too much and Old Bedwetter Cider on draught. Yep, I can’t see our customers going back to the Legion now” Former player, club stalwart and spokesman Moulder Evans added “Has the season started then? I’ve been watching cricket. Have you seen that new barmaid? She’s a bit of alright! She can pull my John Smith anytime. Hur hur hur!”