All meetings of the Harefield and District Dogging Club have been cancelled until further notice due to the Coronavirus outbreak. The meetings, which take place in the Leg Iron car park every Thursday evening, will be replaced by a quiz night instead, £5 per team to book a table, fish and chips extra.

Chairman of the society, Mr X, a local window cleaner and captain of the Harefield Inn darts team who chose to remain anonymous, told the Scandal “We’ve taken the NHS’s advice and advised our members, chortle, not to shake hands in case they catch something. You can’t be too careful “.

Members of the South Harefield Swingers Society claim they are carrying on regardless. Meetings in the back room of the Beer on the Barge will continue on Tuesday nights for the foreseeable future. Events secretary Big Vern informed our reporter “There ain’t no stopping us, we saw out the Spanish Flu and we’ll see out this. Yep, we’ll still be swapping, except me, I’m a jockey without a horse. It’s a spectator sport for old Vern nowadays. My luck is so bad I couldn’t find sand in the fucking desert!”