A former circus elephant, recently returned into the wild on Harefield common, went on the rampage yesterday in the High Street. The pachyderm, a rare Rastafarian West Indian elephant named Johnny Too Bad, had been struggling to find work since being released by Billy Mills Circus and had been sleeping rough by the pond, begging the price of a cuppa tea from villagers feeding the ducks. 

It appears he had been scraping a living pulling out small children who had fallen in the pond whilst their mothers were looking at their phones. Sadly as the pond began to dry up, so did his only form of income and he was forced to venture into the village to seek out food. 

He first tried the Kings Arms, asking if they served elephants. He was told by Sean the Guv’nor” We serve Guinness, John Smiths, fizzy lager, crisps and bar snacks but no food after two o’clock   Try the Beer on the Barge”. He then asked to use the toilet but was told to piss off and this evidently infuriated him. 

He went to use the public conveniences next to the Village Salon in Park Lane (ten per cent off for pensioners on Thursdays) but upon discovering he couldn’t get through the door he nudged the whole thing over before using the facilities. 

Johnny subsequently tried the kebab shop but was enraged when he saw his cousin’s leg in the window and went on a wrecking spree overturning cars and busses before a quick thinking shop girl from the Village Bakery pacified him by rushing out and giving him a sticky bun. 

After calming down he spent a pleasant afternoon wandering the High Street, browsing in the Duchess of Harefield’s antique shop, receiving a free rub down and his toe nails clipped by Sue in the  pet shop, and putting a football bet on in Bill the Bookies. After winning a considerable sum on correctly predicting a two all draw between Czech Republic and Croatia he then spent his winnings and the rest of the afternoon enjoying the sunshine in the beer garden of the Harefield Inn where he consumed several large bottles of Elephant Lager and a sack of chilli peanuts. 

Johnny told our reporter “You people are alright! I love it here. Even after I went a bit crackers back there you showed me kindness in a welcoming manner. The Harefield Inn have asked me to join the darts team and I’ve been offered a job clamping those bastard Co-Op lorries. It looks like I’m here to stay!”  

In other news the Harefield and District Rural Council have decreed that for a trial period of two weeks, all men with tiny penises are to display a small red and white flag on their cars at all times. 

His cock must be minute.