Contrary to stories in an upmarket Sunday newspaper that he is to be found on the moon in a double decker London bus, Elvis Presley is said to be alive and well and has been living on a secluded farm in Harefield since his reported death in 1977. Rumours have been circulating for years that a celebrity thought to be dead had been living in secret in the village, but the local grapevine had got it wrong and the word was that the mystery star was in fact Benny Hill. 

Elvis rarely ventures out from his isolated hideout where he allegedly  lives with his dog Ole Shep and former Miss Unigate Dairies 1967, Brenda Bucket. When he does slip out to the off licence  on occasion he dons a blue wig disguise and aviator shades. 

In 1981, around Christmas time he came third in an Elvis lookalike competition at the Halfway House, but has not been tempted to perform in public since, spending his days drinking moonshine pea whiskey,  writing his memoirs and tweeting under the pseudonym @RegCostello. 

Elvis, third from left, at the Halfway House, Christmas 1981. 

Secrecy is paramount  on the farm, which the Scandal knows the location of but cannot reveal,  and the surrounding fields are regularly patrolled by a family run hobbit security firm from Mount Pleasant, Sixtoe Surveillance. Our farming correspondent Ivor Haystack tried to gain access to the farm but was told by a four foot tall bearded woman wielding an axe to “Piss off! Benny Hill doesn’t live here!”  

The Scandal’s showbiz sources inform us that Elvis is expected to end his thirty nine year exile this year and perform at Harestock, the annual Harefield music festival. Members of the Harefield Ukelele Orchestra were seen entering the farm last night carrying instrument cases and later saxophone music was heard from a barn and an elderly blue haired gentleman was seen chasing a scantily clad young lady around a field. 

Harestock organiser Ricky G told the Scandal “It’s gonna be big man! We got Rockin’ Ronnie playing country and Country Eddie playing rock. The Harefield Ukelele Orchestra will do their west coast psychedelic jazz funk fusion with an oompah beat naked and then it’ll be Elvis P and Ricky G! Rock n roll man!”  

Elvis at his peak in 1974.