Two fly tippers were caught in the act last night. Sergeant Nabham and WPC  Loosedrawers from the Harefield Constabulary were parked in their Panda Car out of sight in the dark bit of New Years Green Lane, on patrol, when they saw two shady characters unloading their cargo of old mattresses and hardcore. 

The officers apprehended two brothers, builders Mick and Dick Dabchick from Mill End, Hertfordshire, dumping refuse  at the side of the road. The pair were cautioned, arrested and taken back to Harefield Police Station. 

WPC Loosedrawers told our reporter “Sergeant Nabham and myself were on our break parked up where nobody could see us having a bit of nosh when we spotted these villains engaged in an unlawful act”. 

Sergeant Nabham took up the story ” We took the felons back to the nick, slung them in the slammer and knocked up Judge Carter. He then presided over a kangaroo court at three o’clock this morning where the scoundrels were sentenced to spend today in the stocks”. 

The guilty pair were indeed put in the stocks on the common this Friday morning. A crowd of locals soon gathered and started pelting them with rotten fruit and vegetables bought fresh from the Costcutters shop, empty bottles and half bricks. The two of them are expected to be released at nightfall when they will be escorted back to the scene of the crime and made to clear up their mess. 

Several villagers were eager to put in their twopence worth. ‘Send ’em back to where they came from’ said a Mr. Farage, 61, passerby ‘We must control our borders’. Benny Tinfoil-Nutjob, 47, single, from round Ash Grove told our reporter ‘It would serve them right if an asteroid fell on their heads while they were fly tipping. I’d like to see that!’ Mr. Braa,  28, formerly of Harefield now residing in Radlett remarked that he had only come back to the village ‘To see these devils punished! Hanging’s too good for them. They should be publicly beaten with a stout stick!’  

Not all the villagers had bad words to say about the criminals though. The good witch Mango Moody was on the common holding court with her followers. “I blame the council” she explained “They charge too much at the dump for poor honest builders to pay. Someone should put a spell on them. That’d teach them”. 

“Not that I’d know how to” she added in a vain attempt to avoid the ducking stool the angry mob were assembling by the pond. 

  
The Dabchick brothers facing their punishment. 

  
The good witch Mango Moody is put in the ducking stool.