Fracking has begun on the site of the former Village Blacksmith next to Harefield’s second favourite pub, the Kings Arms. The Bastard Fracking Company (West Drayton) Ltd commenced operations early on Bank Holiday Monday before protesters could be mobilised. 

The location of the fracking has been the subject of much speculation and controversy since the old Smithy was demolished at the turn of the millennium. Tescos bought the plot and applied for permission to build a superstore beneath a tower block of luxury apartments and this was approved with the proviso that they paid for the construction of a Youth Club round Ash Grove. Thanks to the protests of  residents and the spells cast by the Witches of Ash Grove the scheme never got off the ground. 

Since then rumours have spread that the site would become a new Lego Land, that Winkers Night Club would relocate there and that a new village mosque would be built, or even a multi purpose centre combining all three. All these wonderful plans are now mere pipe dreams as village life is set to suffer from more congestion and pollution. 

The Scandal asked Unelected Mayor of Harefield Stella Stiletto to comment on the fracking operation. “What Harefield needs is strong and stable leadership for a strong economy” she maintained in her Dalek-like voice. “Anyway, you’ll hardly notice it once we start fucking up the village with HS2. If you read my manifesto you’ll see we have all sorts of uncosted plans to sell the hospital to Virgin Hazardous Waste Ltd and to build homes for dementia sufferers on the common which we can keep taking off them to pay for their care and sell back on to the next lot of confused old folk”

The news was received with mixed reactions from local residents. Green Party activist Felicity Comfortable-Shoes from You’re Nicked Close on the Sweeney Estate protested “This is the worst thing that has happened to this beautiful village since the Squash Club shut!” but popular villager and charity fundraiser Errol Terry told our reporter “All some people want to do is moan about everything on the Facebook page Harefield Up Your Arse. Let’s get behind these schemes and help make Harefield great again! ” A satirical author from the upmarket Dovedale Estate said “You couldn’t make it up!” whilst peace campaigner Arnie Fraggle reckoned “We should all love one another man. Peace out!”

Meanwhile word has just reached us that all fracking operations have been temporarily halted due to having drilled through a beer pipeline supplying the Kings  Arms with Old Bedwetter Ale directly from the Malthouse Brewery. PC Backhander from the Harefield Constabulary gave a statement via the Costcutter Breakfast Show on Harefield Hospital Radio. ” The High Street is flooded with beer now and all traffic will be diverted through Vernon Drive. That’s all we fucking need!”

Fracking begins at the abandoned petrol station.