Scientists have discovered that the green slime currently covering the surface of the village pond is in fact radioactive.

Villagers first noticed something was amiss when giant rats the size of sausage dogs appeared on the banks of the pond but given the breeding habits of the rest of the village it was assumed that the Harefield Sausage Dog Walkers Society’s hounds had merely mated with the rats.

This theory was soon discounted when the Sausage Dog Walkers spokesperson Rosie Rugmuncher denied that the little pooches went anywhere near the pond. “We don’t take the dogs on the common”  she was quoted as saying “because the little darlings shit everywhere”.

Blokes from the council were sent to investigate but when they started glowing brighter than their hi-viz jackets a van load of radiation suited operatives with Geiger counters turned up and declared the whole pond a no go zone.

The welfare of the indigenous pond wildlife is now a matter of concern. The Scandal spoke to Wayne Harris, a mallard who lives in the bullrushes near the Post Office. “I don’t mind me self too much like, I think this healthy shade of green suits me but I’m a bit worried about the missus. She’s grown a set of tentacles which are most unladylike. Although they come in handy for giving the nippers a clip round the ear ‘ole when they start acting up!”

Wayne Harris and wife Cindy.

Our reporter spoke to a bloke from the council who was erecting signs warning villagers not to feed the mutants. ” Don’t take no notice of no rumours” he advised “F’rinstance I’ve heard that they’re dumping nuclear waste in the pond from that secret new power station they’re building down at the shit works in Maple Cross. It’s all to do with HS2 and that new  Unelected Mayor of Harefield Mrs Stilleto taking backhanders from the Common Market or something. ‘Ere, you’re not writing this down are you?”

A mutant rat and a bloke from the council.