Following the recent resignation of Lord Mayor of Harefield Baron Londis, deputy leader of Harefield Rural District Council Stella Stiletto has been promoted to the position of Unelected Mayor. 

Ms. Stiletto, 59, from Barrington Manor, is the childless daughter of Lord and Lady Cameltoe of Bell End, New Park Road. She is married to Stanley Stiletto, 62, a privet hedge fund manager, Past Master of the Bardon Court Lodge. 

In the recent referendum on Hexit, Stiletto was in favour of keeping Harefield’s borders with Denham open, but as all the Pro-Hexit campaigners have either resigned, retired or ‘mysteriously disappeared’ she has the unpleasant duty of overseeing the closing of the borders and the forced repatriation of thousands of illegal Denham Dabchicks who have been living, working and reproducing in our fair village. 

Harefieldians have received the news of an Unelected Mayor with mixed reactions. Tracy Dick-Tracy, 19, an unmarried mother of six who lives in a shoe round Ash Grove was of the  opinion that it was time to give a woman a go because she couldn’t be any worse. “It’s time to give a woman a go” she told our reporter “She couldn’t be any worse. That last bloke was useless!”  Leader of the Harefield Labour Party and shop steward of the council workers union, Union of Council Workers, Adrian Close, 47, from Adrian Close, displayed his disappointment. “What a disaster! A right wing unelected mayor ! Even her initials spell SS. I’d call the blokes from the council out on strike if the last Mayor hadn’t made them all redundant!”  

Outgoing Lord Mayor Baron Londis seemed to be highly amused when our reporter phoned him at his holiday villa on the Isle of Dogs. “That old bat Stiletto is the new Unelected Mayor? That’s democracy for you! Harefield you’re screwed! he chuckled as he cracked open a bottle of Old Bedwetter Export. 

The incoming Unelected Mayor agreed to be interviewed in her underground lair under a volcano down Summerhouse Lane. “Baron Londis’s reign of terror is over. There’s gonna be some changes made around here I can tell you!” she expounded as she stroked her pussy, a ginger tom called Cheryl, and puffed on a hubbly bubbly pipe “I’m going to be tough on crime, tough on the victims of crime. I shall introduce a nightly curfew after which all motor vehicles will be outlawed in case anyone is thinking of drinking and driving, and all pubs will be shut in case anyone is considering drinking. And now you have thirty seconds to vacate this underground secret hideout before I release the flying monkeys”. 

“Fly my pretties! Fly!”  

Current affairs correspondent Polly Ticks. 

Unelected Mayor Stella Stiletto.