A scientist from Harefield has invented a mobile phone app that combines a dating website with a COVID-19 track and trace alert. Professor Trevor Truesdale-Drive from the Institute of Complicated Studies at Harefield Secondary Modern explained.

“I was looking on the interweb to buy some tools, specifically a grinder, when I came across a dating site called Screwfix and another site that seemed to specialise in grinders. It then occurred to me that there might be a gap in the market for people with COVID to hook up with each other”.

“You see” he droned on “Now people have to check in everywhere they go in case they are infected I thought it would be a good idea for them to be able to meet up with others for the possibility of casual sex”.

“Just imagine” he went on and on “You go to the Legion for a pint and a packet of crisps, check in on the QR code and find out you’re COVID riddled. You look for a match, there’s a bird in there having a Babysham and a packet of pig scratchings, she’s COVID positive too so you go off together and isolate at her flat round Ash Grove. Bingo!”

We spoke to another egg head, Professor Peter Priory-Avenue from the Institute of Revision at Harefield Juniors who told us “ Don’t believe a word that silly bastard tells you. Last week he reckoned he’d invented an app that tells you what the weather is like at the Amazon Depot where everyone gets all their useless shit from”.

“It’s immaterial anyway, us clever clogs are all still virgins”.