A man from Harefield refuses to believe that the village has endured the severest snow storm since 1963. Colin Lingus, 48, a ping pong ball inflater from Ford Zodiac Mews on the Sweeney Estate has been holidaying on the Canary Island San Borodon since last week and is due to fly home tomorrow into Denham International Airport.

“I spoke to my sister from Maple Cross” he said “And she reckons it’s been snowing so heavily that Harefield is cut off. I can’t see that ” he continued, “I mean, it would be all over Facebook if it was true. I looked on the famous Harefield Up Your Arse page and there was nothing, just the usual lost dogs. Nobody was posting pictures of the 347 stuck on Church Hill, or the scenic upmarket Dovedale Estate in the snow. No one was complaining that the council hadn’t gritted their cul de sac or asking if the schools were closed or if the taxis were running so they could get from Vermin Drive to the Kings Arms”.

“I listen to Free Harefield Radio on the Internet ” he droned on ” And there was nothing on the Costcutter Breakfast Show about it. You’d think there would’ve been a phone in with people asking daft questions like will the pond be frozen and where is best to go tobogganing, or complaining about the hoodies throwing snowballs on the common”.

“Nah, she’s just having me on! They only have that shit up north, don’t they?”