Harefield man Peter Parsnip,62, from Inspector Regan Road on the Sweeney Estate is glad Christmas is over for another year. “I’m glad that’s all over with for another year” he announced in the Co Op this morning when he went for his morning paper “Altbough it’s another bank holiday today innit? Boxing Day  Boxing Day or sumfink”. 

“All it’s been is famous people dropping dead all over the place. Look, there’s another one gorn!” he muttered pointing at the front page of the Daily Shite “And yet somehow Bruce Forsyth gets away with it!”  

“Christmas? Don’t get me started!” he carried on as if anyone could stop him “All that fuss for one day! Then it’s all over. Kids bored wiv their new toys. Everyone spent their money on crap on one wanted. And they’re all like I couldn’t eat another thing oh go on then just another turkey. And those cracker jokes. What goes in and out and smells of piss? The Okey Cokey at Barden Court!”

“And there’s nuffink on the telly. Nuffink! Old Morecambe n Wise or Only Fools n ‘Orses. Then someone always dies on Eastenders. Why can’t they be a bit more cheerful? It’s Christmas after all. Miserable lot!”

“And if it’s all for the kids then how come all the grown ups get pissed then? And all the pubs are shut but you go past one at five in the morning and hear the singin and dancin coming from inside. They must fink we’re stoopid or sumfink”

“And then they ask if you had a nice Christmas an everyone says yes even if they didn’t which you know they didn’t cos they’re only asking and they ask you what you did as if they care”. 

Just then he got to the front of the queue in the Co Op “Hallo Mr. Parsnip” greeted Chlamydia behind the counter “Did you have a nice Christmas?”

“Oh yes” he replied “It was lovely. Quiet you know but so nice to see the family. Thanks for asking love. Happy new year to you”. 

“That’ll be the next thing!” he grumbled as he left the shop “New Year!  I fuckin hate New Year!”