A Harefield man is bitterly regretting being chosen for the TV reality show Bunk Up Island. Terry Halfwit, 34, a Lego hod carrier who lives with his parents in Dumpster Close, was agonisingly disappointed to discover on being selected for the TV sensation of the year that the programme coincides with the 2018 FIFA World Cup.

“Bloody heck!” he complained “I’ve been trying to get on one of these reality shows for yonks. I nearly got on Unshaggables last year until they realised that I am, and the f@cking c***s on Britain’s Got Tourettes turned me down the w@nkers! Now I get to go on one at last and I find it’s on some tropical island with a load of gorgeous birds whilst the World Cup is on and there’s not even a Linekers Bar to watch the matches in”

His mother Tracey Halfwit added “It’s my fault for entering him for the show. Our Terry had always wanted to be on the telly and I saw an advert asking for singletons to go on the programme, I thought it said simpletons so I put his name forward”.

Mr Halfwit is due to fly out to the secret Bunk Up Island location tomorrow where he will attempt to be the first contestant to be sent home, hopefully before England crash out after the group stage, the daft twat.

Terry Halfwit on Bunk Up Island, the daft twat.