Harefield’s farmers are to start testing driverless tractors. With the harvest safely gathered now, the Farmers Collective consider it time to embrace the latest technology. Robots are already in use on Harefield’s farms for menial tasks such as potato picking and badger baiting but so far have not been allowed to drive the expensive farming machines, a job that has always been entrusted to the combination of hobbits, mutants and village idiots that are the village’s farm hands. 

Farmer Turncoat from Black Heart Farm explained how it works. “We puts a little SIM card in the tractor see, and hooks it up to the interweb. Then the tractor follows Goggle Maps what tells it to drive up and down and up and down until the field is all ploughed. Then it ‘as a cuppa tea an’ a ploughmans lunch. Easy really. It never ever ‘as a day orf cos it drunk too much Old Bedwetter scrumpy the night afore”. 

With the village currently enjoying the traditional Indian summer, many fields are lying fallow whilst the farmers concentrate on milking the chickens and collecting the free range turkey eggs but trialling is expected to start over the busy Halloween period. 

In the meantime Farmer Turncoat intends to start using a driverless milk float for his early morning deliveries around the village. “It doesn’t have to be a human bean driving the float ” he explained “Any fucker can wake everyone up at three in the morning shouting ‘milk-o!’ an’ rattlin’ their crates round the exclusive Dovedale Estate. Stuck up bastards!”

Experts predict that one day driverless mopeds could even replace the teenage monkeys who do wheelies up and down the High Street , scaring more villagers than the Killer Clowns. 

Tractor driver Big Jessy told the Scandal “Oi thinks it’s a good idea cos it gives us farmers more time to pursue other, er, pursuits such as makin’ crop circles and shagging our sisters”. 

A driverless tractor. Enabling tractor drivers to spend more time shagging their sisters.