A Harefield tractor driver, Big Jessy, 43, from Black Heart Farm, has been caught watching Prime Minister’s Questions on his phone while at work. The driver has been reported to the Harefield Farmers Cooperative who will launch an investigation which will take months to finish and the outcome will be covered up.

The Scandal contacted Jessy who explained “ I was trying to watch porno when I came across this site and at first I thought it was Worzel Gummidge. There was this scruffy scarecrow with a birds nest for hair and the stuffing hanging out of his suit telling lies and quoting Latin while this smart bloke kept saying things like ‘will the prime minister explain why he’s such a wanker’ and about two hundred other folk were hooting like geese!”

“To my eternal shame “ he carried on “I watched it a second time on purpose. There was this Victorian bloke in a top hat lying on a bench muttering about nanny’s crumpets and a bloke in a kilt who kept crossing his legs and showing his wedding tackle to put people off. I haven’t laughed so much since O’Hooligan nicked the tug ‘o war rope at the village fete”.

The Scandal asked our local MP Henry Pygmalion to comment but he just said “I’m in purdah with the election coming up but vote for me from the party that daren’t say its name on Thursday and you’ll never see me again”.

Big Jessy “I was trying to watch porno”.