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In a nationwide survey by Heat! magazine Harefield has been voted the best smelling village in Middlesex for the second year running . Heat! editor Jed Thruster was quoted as saying in his crappy magazine “There’s something about Harefield our readers love! To win this prestigious award two years in a row is unprecedented. Well, it’s only the second time we’ve done it but hey, it’s pretty amazing!”  

This is in contrast to the poll on John Craven’s Newsround on the telly back in the seventies when Harefield was voted the stinkiest place in Britain. Village historian Old Pete from the allotments told the Scandal “Back then the village stunk. There was the rubber works, the ink factory, the asbestos pipe plant, that awful chinese fish and chip shop, the dreadful public conveniences in Park Lane and the chemical shit they used to spray the fields with”. 

Nowadays it’s fair to say that the village is a much more fragrant place. All the industry has gone, replaced by posh houses and office complexes that smell of furniture polish and floor wax. All the farms, allotments and vegetable gardens are totally organic and the sale of chemical fertilisers has been prohibited by an ancient by-law since 1998. 

The village is now a subtle blend of various aromas. The rose gardens of Hill End, the hickory barbecues from round Ash Grove, the delicious scents of takeaway food from the High Street, the smell of freshly cut grass from the cricket club and the heady waft of cannabis and peri peri chicken from the upmarket Dovedale Estate of an evening all percolate to provide residents with an awesome bouquet of Middlesex Utopia. 

Just lately the keyboard warriors have been taking to the Facebook page Harefield Up Your Arse in droves to congratulate Harefield’s farmers on their recent spraying of the fields. Alan Apollo from Get-U-Fit (Harefield) posted ‘Get out in the park with me and breathe that country air! It’ll put hairs on your chest, ladies!’ and over on Twitter @goodwitchmango tweeted ‘#Harefield lol sweet sweet smell of magick’ 

Whilst other  Middlesex villages such as West Drayton suffer from the terrible pong of pig shit, our local village farmers actually improve the air quality. We spoke to tractor driver Big Jessy who told us ” It’s the chemicals I adds to the chemicals that makes the difference. I puts a buckets worth of Chanel Number 5 in the mix. The ladies bloody love it!”  

  
Best Smelling Village. Heat! Magazine 2016. 

  
Pupils from the Harefield Academy For Gifted Children celebrate the Award For The Heat! Magazine Least Smelly Village In Middlesex Award.