Harefield is set to become home to thousands of American refugees after the US Presidential election. Temporary shelters will be set up on the common initially before the immigrants are processed and given council houses round Ash Grove and down St. Mary’s. 

Millions of fair minded Americans, upset by Trump’s victory and being told ‘You lost, get over it!’ by the Klu Klux Klan, are seeking new homes, with Canada most people’s first choice, but Harefield a close second.  

Unelected Mayor of Harefield Stella Stilleto told the Scandal “Harefield has a long proud tradition of welcoming immigrants, ever since the first Dabchicks from Mill End came to the village after the war to help build the Gilbert O’Sullvan estate to provide luxury homes for returning war heroes”. 

She went on “As in any prosperous economy, immigration is vital to fill the jobs the indigenous population doesn’t want to do, important jobs such as potato picker, Avon cosmetics agent, chartered accountant and heart surgeon”. 

As the weary tattered and down trodden Americans began to arrive at Heathrow, special volunteers from the 1st Harefield Venture Scouts were there to meet them and put them on recommissioned 347 double decker busses, firstly ensuring all guns and assault rifles were left behind in West Drayton. 

One of the first on the bus, Billy-Ray Billy-Bob, 43, from Dumbfuck Oklahoma, explained how happy he was to come to Middlesexshire. “Ah dun thought bout movin’ tuh Canada but ah dun like them thur Eskimos what talk funny sos y’all can’t unnerstand ’em. Ah also lurve your country music. Canada maght have Joni Mitchell, Neil Young an Justin Bieber but ah lurve the way jus bout evryone round here plays the ukelele. Ah jus wish ah’ bin tuh Harestock. Manalive! Say, do thu Sweet still live rand here?”

Note for our American cousins learning the language. Sidewalk means pavement, elevators are lifts and a fart is known as a Trump. 

Oh and your fanny is round the other side.