Harefield’s drinkers are being encouraged to drink more and raise money for charity  at the same time in Pisstober. The month long bout of binge drinking is being organised by Harefield’s pubs and clubs to boost flagging sales in what is traditionally a quiet month in the run up to the busy Christmas piss up season. 

Various events are taking place throughout the month in each of the few remaining drinking establishments in the village. Famous charity fund raiser and lager drinker of the Parish Errol Terry is urging villagers to take part and get seriously pissed. “It’ll be like the sixties” he exclaimed  “If you can remember it you weren’t really there”. 

The fun kicks off this weekend on Friday with a karaoke night at the Harefield Ex Servicemans Royal British Legion Working Man’s Social Club. Many singers who have their own entertainment businesses are expected to attend. Organiser Lucy Moo said “It’ll be a great night. We have both backing tracks, I Will Survive and Five Hundred Miles, the Legion are doing a special offer of ten pound a bucket of lager and those who can’t sing can just get their tits out”. 

Due to a printer’s error, the following weekend the Harefield Inn is holding a Mini Bee Festival and a Cheese and Wind Evening. Landlord Mr. Ho Ho Ho told the Scandal “I’ve got all these real ales in and now I’ve got to find some bees from somewhere. I’ve got plenty of strong cheese though so that should take care of the wind. You haven’t got any bees you don’t need I suppose?”

The Cricket Club are holding a Giant Halloween Firework Night Extravaganza  Fund Raiser at the end of the month for members only, tickets £10 from Mr. Fingers. Non members are not welcome and will be stared at should they try to enter but are advised to watch the display for free from the Football Club patio where Lord Dovedale and the first team players will be dishing out complimentary jacket potatoes with curry filling. 

The Kings Arms, the Old Orchard and the Beer on the Barge are not taking part as they claim to have plenty of customers anyway and don’t need cheap gimmicks. Sean the Guv’nor from the KA told our reporter “You should drop in sometime. We’ve got a pool table and everything”. 

The Scandal interviewed chief fundraiser Errol Terry and asked him what particular charity were the donations going to. “Er, that one, you know, erm, er, for the little kiddies like. Help A Spastic Orphan or something” he replied. “Is the Spotted Dalmation still shut?” he asked, quickly changing the subject. 

Karaoke in the Legion. Some of the  singers have their own entertainment businesses. 

Those who can’t sing can just get their tits out.