Harefield’s grandparents breathed a collective sigh of relief this morning as most children went back to school. As soon as the schools broke up for the summer back in July the majority of families went away on holiday to Benidorm or Majorca for two weeks but after that the children were foisted onto their grandparents. 

Champagne corks popped across the village as pensioners looked forward to putting on their winter coats and resuming normal daily activities such as queuing at the Post Office, getting up before sunrise to buy a newspaper and dogging. 

Grandfather Samwise Puddifoot, a two hundred and five year old hobbit from down Mount Pleasant told our reporter “It’s the same every summer. The kids would love to see you Pops, they say. I wouldn’t mind if they came out and helped me with the crop circles but they drive me mad indoors with them X boxes making a bleedin’ racket!”

Twenty four year old mother of six, Tracy Hubbard who lives in a shoe round Ash Grove said” What am I supposed to do with the kids then? Their dads won’t have them and I can’t leave them here ‘cos I have my own career to think of. I’m an exotic dancer at the Prince of Wales y’know. So they have to go to their grandads’ It’s not like they have to have them all at once, just one each!”

Harefield Secondary Modern French teacher Gemma Pell complained “It’s alright for you lot, you can wash your hands of them now. It’s me who’s got to teach les petit bleedeurs how to conjugate while they’re all sniggering at words like poubelle and lavatoire. Zut alors!”

Ken Chapati, owner of sweet shop and off license Harefield Booze spoke to the Scandal “I’ll need eyes up the back of my arse now the little buggers are back to school. They come in here for a quarter of black jacks and go out with a four pack of Special Brew up their jumpers. And the police don’t want to know. That PC Brigade is not interested since he joined the Hells Monkeys”

“Oi you! Bring that back!” He shouted as he chased a five year old with a bottle of scotch up the High Street.