Hares Relegated! Special Picture Edition.

After a long and difficult season Harefield United FC have finally been relegated. Having propped up the league for much of the season they had a spurt towards the end and reached the giddy heights of fourth from bottom with a couple of games to go.

It was all down to the Hares to secure their safety in the last game but they lost miserably 7-1 away to Welwyn Gardeners FC. They were then waiting on the one final fixture to be played which would decide their fate, lowly Colney Highwaymen needing to beat an in form Broxbourne Untied to stay up themselves and relegate the Hares. Colney duly won 2-1 and the Hares were down.

The victory parade along the High Street in an open topped double decker 347 bus has been cancelled and instead leading scorer Melvin Drogba (3 goals) and hapless six fingered Harefield born and bred goalkeeper Jake Balldropper are to be placed in the stocks on the common on FA Cup Final Day to serve as punishment for letting the village down and as a warning to young budding footballers not to take up the game.

Manager Jason Argonaut (pictured above) was devastated at the news from Broxbourne. He told the Scandal “We couldn’t have worked harder but in the end it wasn’t enough. We got a vote of confidence from the board and everything. Now the work begins to get us straight back up at the first attempt. Player coach and full back Steve Green chipped in” I’m sick as a parrot but the lads gave 110% and if we should go down then we’ll go down fighting. What? We have? Oh bollocks!”

Coaches Steve Green and Michael Matchfit.

The agenda for the Club Presentation Evening, scheduled for Friday next, has been altered and will now take place in the tiny front bar of the club followed by training at Taylor’s Meadow. The club management team will be kept behind in the changing rooms to write a thousand lines on the whiteboard ‘I will not get this great club relegated again’ and the training session will be taken by former player and stalwart Moulder ‘told you so’ Evans.

Evans spoke to our reporter “I’ve applied for the position of manager to this great club even though it’s not vacant just yet. I have a five year plan which I have discussed in detail with Club President Lord Dovedale in which I propose to put this club back where we belong when I was playing. That is at Taylor’s Meadow in a much lower league but in front of thousands of happy supporters every week!”

“He doesn’t seem keen on the idea though” he added “He’s fucking useless!”