Harefield United FC have finally won their first game at home in living memory. The beleaguered village team beat local rivals Oxhey Jets 3-2 in the Middlesex and Herts Derby. Bottom of the league on Saturday morning, the Hares climbed above second bottom placed Bedford who have had nine points deducted for fielding  illegal immigrant Luton Town players this season. 

Dujon Desagurante,  the stadium announcer Jamie Paraffin’s favourite player, opened the scoring for the Hares early in the first half with Drogba Simpson adding a second just after the break. Hares goalie Jacob Balldropper fumbled a weak shot to allow Jets back into the game shortly afterwards and then the away team equalised to make it two all. While the Jets’ players were still celebrating, Hares hero Luke Baldwin scored directly from the kick off on the halfway line. 

The Hares supporters celebrated wildly after the referee Adolf Fairplay signalled the goal was good. A punch up then ensued after a Jets player criticised one of the Harefield player’s hairdo and a player from each side received a red card. After order was restored the ref blew for full time and the Hares players and supporters partied like it was 1999. To cap off the celebrations John Terry appeared in a Harefield strip and was carried shoulder high off the pitch. 

Hares manager Jason Argonaut enthused ‘ The best is yet to come from my squad of players. I have every confidence in us staying up’. Full back player- coach Steve Green added ‘We’re over the moon. It was a game of two halves but at the end of the day we gave 110% and I would love it, really love it if we can beat Wembley next week. I’m made up for club Overlord Roy Green (no relation)’. 

Club stalwart and former player Moulder Evans proclaimed ‘We were fucking useless!’  

Hugh Wossit 

Chief Sports Reporter. 
  

Drogba Simpson is booked for his shirtless goal celebration.