The players, officials and supporters of Harefield United FC travelled to AFC Kempston Rovers in Bedfordshire on Saturday for an important third round FA Cup drinking contest. 

Having taken both Northampton on Chenecks and Wembley FC to replays in the previous rounds, the Hares were pleased to have put this tie to bed at the first attempt. The team had a light training session in the clubhouse before boarding the coach at noon and stepping up the pace with a few beers on the way to Bedfordshire. 

Due to a mix up with the coach company there was no toilet on board, necessitating several stops on the hard shoulder of the M1 motorway. Team captain Moulder Evans stole a march on his team mates by travelling ahead with Club President Lord Dovedale in his limousine and was able to get a few early rounds in. 

The opposition was tough but no match for the hardened Harefield drinkers. The ladies in the party tactically switched to spirits and were able to drink better than the men without having to keep visiting the lavatories. 

Spurred on by news on Twitter that the village cricket team first eleven had been relegated, with cries of “Let’s do this for Harefield!” the pace quickened. 

As levels of drunkeness increased side bets were made on games of darts, pool, shove ha’penny and spoof. Younger members of the team even broke off to play a football match which they lost three-two but they were able to return to the drinking much rested and made  up for sone of the older players who were beginning to flag. 

The Bedfordians finally conceded when the Harefieldians played their trump card, community singing. Faced with a chorus of You’re Shit And You Know You Are the home team gave up and bought everyone a round of drinks. 

The celebrating Hares continued drinking on the coach home and carried on back at the club house into the early hours of Sunday morning. Club secretary, coach and full back Steve Green said “I’m proud of the team but we take it one game at a time. Yes, we’ll allow them to let off steam tonight but we have to do it all again on Tuesday night away to Broadfield United in the League Cup. That should be a good piss up”. 

Club stalwart, former player and spokesman Moulder Evans told our reporter “Magic my love. You’re my beshtest mate you are. I’m absolutely  shitfaced!”