Harry and Meghan, the Prince and Princess of Sussex, are to move to Harefield following their retirement from the Royal Family. The couple already own a holiday cottage on the upmarket Dovedale Estate and are intending on staying there whilst they look for a bigger three bedroom semi round Ash Grove.

The Royals have always had an affinity with Harefield ever since Harry’s mother Lady Di used to shag that doctor from the hospital in the Spotted Dalmatian car park and Harry once was Harry the Hare, mascot for Harefield United, during the Hares’ invincible season. Harry famously held his stag night in the football club, an evening of debauchery and bingo.

Harry’s personal equerry Sir Percy Polo-Horse told the Scandal’s Royal Correspondent Jenny Inbred-Cousins ” The Windsors are intending to become self sufficient and no longer sponge off the Civil List. Harry will probably work down Clancys and Meghan will get a job in the coffee shop. One would imagine “.

Luvvie Darling, spokesperson for HADS, the Harefield Amateur Dramatic Society told the Scandal “Meghan is always welcome to audition for a role in our next production The Lady Varnishes, a risqué farce about French polishing but she’d better be warned that the competition is quite stiff, fnarr fnarr” whilst Harefield’s most colourful lady, Blondie Tattoos said “If she’s thinking of getting a job in the bakers, the Harefield Inn or anything else part time in the village she can fuck right off. Those gigs are spoken for”.

Harry. “Will probably get a job down Clancys”.

Harry as Harry the Hare during the invincible season.

Blondie Tattoos. “She can fuck right off”.