HS2 have launched a full scale assault on Harefield by carpet bombing the village. Not content with ruining our beautiful countryside and digging up the common, HS2 bombers are now operating out of RAF Denham, raiding Harefield nightly.

Heavy losses were reported last night on the village’s allotments. Frodo Sixtoes, a hobbit allotmenteer with a Mount Pleasant plot, complained that his marrows had been bombed to smithereens whilst Old Pete, Chairman of the Dovedale Nirvana Allotments moaned “They had to do it in the middle of asparagus season. We wait all year for a decent crop and then kablammo! Gorn!”

An HS2 spokesperson told the Scandal “We’re only bombing houses that would be demolished anyway for the train line, protesters’ camps and council estates where working class people live. If a few radishes get blown up in collateral damage, well that’s tough titty. It is imperative that we build this train line so that high flying executives who only do Zoom meetings can get to Birmingham ten minutes faster. Blitz krieg! Sieg heil!”

As ever, Harefield was quick to fight back. Captain Hoppy the Geordie from the Harefield Home Guard explained “ Sergeant Shifter has come up with a cunning plan. He’s on a kamikaze mission to crash his stock car into the bombers as they take off from Denham. Failing that we’ll hoy some barrage balloons up over the common and stick Big Bertha doon by the Fisheries then blast the fuckers oota the skies! The blitz spirit lives on!”