Harefield’s drinkers are eagerly awaiting the arrival of the Stella Artois Truck in the village, a sure sign that Christmas is on the way. The lorry is expected to pull up in the Kings Arms car park tonight to coincide with the switching on of the famous Harefield Illuminations. 

While the more sober members of the community will join the United Church Choir in prayers and a Carol service the local drunks are hoping for a monumental booze up not seen since Harefield Cricket Club beat the West Indies by an innings in a test match on the common back in 1896. 

Father Stella and his Pissed Little Elves will be giving out free Stella T shirts and baseball caps emblazoned with the slogan ‘Merry Christmas I’m Bladdered!’ and stubby bottles of Stella Export. The back of the truck is decorated as a Christmas Pub Grotto and boozers will be able to sit on Father Stella’s urine stained lap and tell him ‘You’re my beshstest mate you are!’ 

Beer counsellors will be on hand to advise on fight dynamics and hangover strategy, and a pub pianist is to lead a Chas n Dave style sing along before closing time with such favourites as Roll Out The Stella, Buy Me A Pint I’m Skint and Oi You, You Looking At My Bird?’  

The Scandal’s Christmas correspondant Gladys Tidings asked the Reverend Killjoy if he thought that the Stella Truck arriving at the same time as the Carol service was in poor taste. He told her “Christmas is a time for mankind to come together and we as Christians must embrace our drunken brethren. In recent years society has become more consumer driven with people spending money they don’t have on things they don’t really want at this time of year.  Maybe it’s time for us to forgo some of the commercialisation of the season and get ourselves back to the true meaning of Christmas. Getting absolutely shit faced! Ere, did you spill my pint?”

Father Stella. Ho Ho hic!