Harefield’s farmers fear that this year may see the last ever plastic bag harvest. Despite having one of the best crops ever, it appears that demand for the bags has dropped off so much that it is no longer worthwhile to produce them. 

Harefield’s scientific community have worked hand in paw with local farmers in recent years to improve the quality of the bags by genetic engineering. The bags are now stronger than ever, can carry up to sixteen cans of Stella and are even grown with the shops’ brand and logo already printed on them. 

Tractor driver Big Jessy told the Scandal “It just ain’t worth our while no more since the council made the shops charge five pee for a bag. We’re only picking enough bags to supply the orders we have this year and I suppose the birds will eat the rest as usual. Now everyone is switching to these Old Bags For Life but they’re as much use to the poor farmer as artificial Christmas trees!”  

Harefield’s farmers switched production from rubber trees to plastic bags after Harefield Rubber shut down and the bags are world famous for their quality. Well known users of the bags include Harrods, Waitrose and Rameshes Revenge and 24 Hour Convenience Store. 

Our reporter spoke to a farmer who didn’t wish to be named and he told her “Don’t take no notice of them other farmers moaning about them plastic bags just cos they lost their subsidies now we’re out of the Common Market. We’re doin’ alright Oi tells yer. Oi got that Elvis living ‘ere pays me rent and old Mr. Foo King Ada from the Chinese Takeaway buys all the opium Oi can produce for ‘is Triad. Oi’ve never ‘ad it so good. Fuckin’ laughin’. ‘Ere, you’re not writin’ this down are yer?”  

A couple of Old Bags For Life.