Police were called and a man was arrested last night over complaints about offensive Christmas lights at a house in Maple Cross. The man, Danny Dabchick, 42, a builder from Grumbles Way, was told by officers that his neighbours opposite , a Mr. and Mrs. Dennis Dabchick (no relation) had been offended by what looked like a giant festive penis on his wall. 

Mr. Dabchick (the accused not the neighbour) initially refused to open the door to the police, claiming he was on the loo. “Go away!” he shouted at them “I’m laying a Yule Log!” but he eventually spoke to them after they threatened to ‘Kick his bleedin’ door in!’  

The arresting officer, WPC Strippogram, 39, from Ricky Nick, informed Mr. Dabchick that he was being arrested on a public order charge unless he immediately removed the offensive display, namely a massive cock all lit up on his wall. When Mr. Dabchick denied the charges and refused to take down what he called ‘a nativity scene’ the accompanying officer Sergeant Friedegg,54, almost retired, explained “It looks like a cock, it walks like a cock, it talks like a cock, ergo, it’s a cock!”  

Even WPC Strippogram had to admit this made no sense at all. “You’re thinking of ducks!” she told him, but the coppers still nicked the offender and he will surely spend Christmas in the cells where his Christmas dinner will be a turkey sandwich from the Wild Bean Cafe in Mill End. 

“If it’s supposed to be a cock then where’s the bollocks eh?” cried Mr. Dabchick (the prisoner not the neighbour) as he was dragged handcuffed and kicking and screaming into the Black Maria “Eh? It’s supposed to be a parachute!”

Mr. Dabchick (the neighbour not the offender) told our reporter “It’s disgusting. And at Christmas too. We shouldn’t have to look at this. I’ve never liked him anyway. May he rot in Hell! Merry Christmas to you.”

Meanwhile in Harefield the Reverend Killjoy has been congratulated on his marvellous illuminated tableau on the vicarage roof of an angel fellating Father Christmas “Isn’t it wonderful?” commented parishioner Betty Wantsome, 93, from the Rylstone Home for Retired Sex Workers. “It’s what Christmas is all about, a seraphim sucking off Santa!”  

Report from our Maple Cross Correspondent Ian Bred.