Harefield Marina is to become Middlesex’s first Aqua Park if plans for HS2 become a reality. The new development will be called Canal Land – for oxymorons of all ages. The attraction is expected to feature a log flume, water slides, wave machines for artificial surfing and body boarding, flushing toilets and a swingers’ hot tub adults only section. 

The high speed train line, which will make getting from London to Birmingham just a tad quicker, is planned  to plough straight through the middle of HOAC, the Harefield Outdoor Activities Centre, and right next to the existing Marina. 

The owners of Harefield Marina, Panama and Cayman Offshore Holdings, have decided enough is enough and with the news that HOAC is to move to Denham they are looking to extend the Marina site into Hoveringham Lake and capitalise on the destruction of acres of natural beauty by a government hellbent on selling off the country’s national assets for an old fashioned train line in a digital age where journeys are becoming more and more unnecessary. 

The Marina is currently used by working barges, residential bargees and leisure craft – jokingly known as ditch crawlers amongst the yachting fraternity. The new Aqua Park will retain a few berths for the working barges but the residential bargees have been offered alternative moorings by West Drayton Lock on the Slough Arm of the Grand Union Canal next to the popular Tyrefitters Arms pub. 

Current Marina users were quite opinionated about the plans. Working barge owner Ernie Sludgewater told us his tale. “My family have been working the barges on this stretch of the canal since horse drawn days. I was born on a barge as were eight generations before me. We used to carry cargos of condoms from Harefield Rubber up to that London at one time in the good old days but now that’s all gone. Nowadays it’s all contraband this and smuggle that but it’s a living. At least we’ll still be here to carry on our nefarious ways”.

Marina resident Bob Smash seemed quite relieved to be moving “I’m a bit sad that it’s time to cast off from Harefield and sail off into stormy waters on the old ship The Golden Pint but it’ll be full steam ahead and all hands on deck once we set sail, ahoy there matey. I couldn’t stand the sound of them there trains going overhead every five minutes and I’m told the Tyrefitters Arms has a good quiz night. I shall miss my pint of Old Bedwetter from the Kings Arms but I heard you get a good old drop of Wife Beater in West Drayton “. 

It’s good news for local businesses too. Manager of the Beer on the Barge  Karl-Heinz Doodlebug was delighted “I’m looking forward to the increase in trade the aqua park is sure to bring. At last I can paint over the bit that says No Bargees on our No Blacks No Irish sign. This should attract a better type of clientelle. I may have to tell the bouncers on the door to relax the dress code though and allow bikinis”. 

The Aqua Park at Canal Land (artist’s impression).