The great Marmite Affair  has reached Harefield since Tescos in Ricky drew battle lines with the yeast spread manufacturers over proposed price increases. Retail giant Uni-Pedal who produce the stuff you either love or hate are intending to double the price of the UK-made product because of the Common Market. 

In today’s press conference for Uni-Pedal, who also supply other well known brands such as KY Jelly, Gary Lineker Crisps and Spongebob Squarepants Y Fronts, spokesman Jimmy Riddle said  “Because of the Common Market it is now more expensive to produce a British yeast product in Britain to sell in British shops like Tescos, so there!”

Harefield’s shopkeepers are hoping to capitalise on the situation. Whilst Tescos are claiming they will no longer stock Marmite once stocks run out, it looks like the smelly stuff will be on Harefield’s shop shelves for a long time yet. Co Op manager John Thomas reckons “We’ve got enough old Marmite to last donkeys years. Don’t forget only 48% of people love it, bit like how many wanted to stay in the Common Market. We still have loads of powdered milk and dried eggs left over from the war as well as chicory coffee and Jeyes toilet paper. Don’t forget your dividend number!”

Costcutter shelf stacker Jack Danny added “We’ve got plenty of Marmite too y’know. We might be more expensive than the Co Op but we’re open later for stoned teenagers with the munchies”. Meanwhile Mr. Robinson’s Family Butchers next door is now providing a healthy alternative. “I’m diversifying now” he told our reporter ” I’ve got Vegemite not Marmite and plenty of fresh vegetables too. I also stock bones for dogs now so we should see plenty of that white dog shit back on our streets again soon!”