Hundreds of the Harefield electorate  turned out yesterday to the polling stations mistakenly believing they were voting on the EU Referendum. Hordes of villagers were queuing from six o’clock in the morning outside the library in the village and the Scout Hut down by the canal, eager to vote the UK in or out of Europe. 

In scenes reminiscent of last year’s Scottish Referendum when scores of confused Harefieldians were denied the chance to have a say in the future of our cousins north of the border, it wasn’t long before the penny dropped and an angry mob brandishing pitchforks and flaming torches congregated on the common. 

Baffled by the Government’s recent leaflet explaining why it was better to stay in Europe to be able to conceal your family fortunes in offshore tax havens, many voters believed that yesterday was the day that Harefieldians would be able to vote yay or nay on whether the village would stay as part of Europe or become once again a small blob of pink on the map as part of the Glorious British Empire. 

“What do you mean we’re voting for a mayor?” asked Fatima Golightly, 43, from Vernon Drive,a Professor of Studies at Clever Clogs College Cambridge “we’ve already got three. There’s that Baron Londis fella, there’s the Lord Mayor of London and then you’ve got that nutty toff wassisname with the crazy hair. You know, him what sells them bikes”. 

Not all villagers were so astute. “I know it’s a council election. I’m not stupid” Gerry Mander, 67, a lollipop man from Countess Close told the Scandal “I voted for that bloke who always has a pint and a fag on the go. You know, him what wants to send them legal immigrants back. Malcolm Muggeridge!”  

“I just saw a queue and joined it” said Ethel Backscuttler, 82, a retired sex therapist from Mount Pleasant “I saw a line fifty yards long and smelling of piss and I thought it must be pension day”   

Our reporter interviewed Moulder Evans, 69, a former professional cricket umpire from the upmarket Dovedale Estate. He told her “I believe it is essential to exercise one’s democratic right and cast one’s vote in today’s egalitarian society. It is vital that we strive to overcome oppression in its many forms, after all our forefathers and mothers battled much opposition to accomplish universal suffrage and we should not squander it. So no, I will not be joining the traditional angry mob on the common brandishing pitchforks and flaming torches. Fuck them”. 

Albert Hall,54,  from Hall Drive says a vote for HIP, the Harefield Independent Party, is a vote wasted.