The sun shone on the righteous yesterday as Harefield villagers celebrated May Day. Pagans, Christians, Wiccans and Sun Worshippers all came together to enjoy the festivities. 

Still bleary eyed from Saturday night’s Beltane knees-up, members of the Harefield Odin Brotherhood erected the maypole on the common in readiness for the Maydance by the Twelve Virgins of Ruislip. After the traditional dance around the maypole to celebrate fertility and the return of the sun the Springwell Lock Morris Dancers performed their dances with clashing of sticks to represent the fight between good and evil. 

Next on the agenda was the crowning of the May Queen. This year was the turn of Virginia Purebottom, 15, from Sanitary Close. Her first duty was to offer a sacrifice of white chocolate mice to the fertility gods in return for a plentiful pea crop this year, Harefield farmers’ staple produce. 


Unfortunately Brother of Odin Thor Thorsen, 42, aka Kevin Purebottom took exception to something one of the Morris Dancers said about his daughter the Queen of the May and a scuffle broke out. This soon escalated into a mass punch up as the rest of the Morris Dancers and the Brothers of Odin waded in, then a full scale riot as a gang of Druids, who had been setting up a bring and buy sale on the common, tried to intervene and took a damned good hiding for their troubles. Eventually the Harefield Home Guard was called out to restore order. Captain Manucci and his men were there in no time from their headquarters in the Cricket Club scoreboard hut and after banging a few heads together peace prevailed. 

Everyone then repaired to the Kings Arms with handshakes all round for a few pints of Old Bedwetter. Colin Carpel-Tunnel, 67, the Morris Dancer whose wayward remark caused the punch up explained that it had all been a misunderstanding   “Teeth! I said she had nice teeth, not ti….” “Alright alright, don’t start again!” interrupted Jethro Poohsticks, lead Morris Dancer and church warden “We all know what you really said, and she has!”  

Over on Mount Harefield by the Sacred Stones the Woman’s Institute White Witch Coven from round Ash Grove held their annual ceremony where they dance around the stones in their bare trollies. As always the Good Witch Mango protected their nudity by placing an exclusion zone spell with a four hundred yard radius. Young Harefield boys hoping to glimpse naked female flesh for the first time were turned into pillars of stone if they attempted to get too close to the witches. Fortunately the Scandal’s photographer, with the aid of a telephoto lens, was able to obtain several clear shots of the coven’s May Day Rites. “Tell ya what” he reported back to the editor, “Those witches, they’ve all got smashing teeth!”  

The White Witches of Harefield.