An artist’s impression of the northern lights from Sanitary Close.

Last night all across the UK sky watchers were treated to the phenomenon known as areola borealis or more commonly the Northern Lights. Normally only visible in the Artic Circle, the display of nature’s most wonderful light show was there for all to see, caused by the sun spot infused cross pollination of charged ionic particles in the magnetosphere, fourteen years of austerity and a couple of tabs of ecstasy.

As soon as the sightings were, er, seen over Harefield villagers began to celebrate by letting off fireworks. The Reverend Killjoy as always rang the church bells and announced the Rapture and an angry mob with pitchforks and torches gathered on the common chanting ‘Burn the witches!’ before marching to the park round Ash Grove and setting fire to the swings.

As usual the villagers took to their keyboards to complain on the pages of the popular Facebook group Harefield up your Arse. Archie Ampallang from Adrian Close posted “It’s lovely to see fireworks in May, they’re too spectacular to only see them one night a year but the northern lights were a bit shite “. Whilst Cecelia Cystitis from Countess Close disagreed “That Archie is an arse! We have too many fireworks and they frighten my cat Chlamydia. Won’t somebody think about my poor pussy?” Professor Percy Pan-Pipes from Penzance Close complained “They should let us know when there will be the Northern Lights so that I can get my horse settled. It makes him hide behind the sofa” and local fuckwit Terry Errol who lives all alone in Liddley Lane at number twenty two said “All the pubs should have lock ins on special occasions like this then we wouldn’t have to go outside and look at it”

Finally a satirical author from the upmarket Dovedale Estate posted on Harefield up your Arse “I really don’t know how much longer I can go on making up this shit!”

‘The Northern Lights were a bit shite but the fireworks were spectacular’