With Harefield enjoying its usual scorching summer, the Harefield and Rural District Council have bowed to pressure from Slimmers World and agreed to progress a nudist area on the common as soon as the fair has left later this week. 

In her first act as Unelected Mayor, Stella Stiletto overruled opposition from the rival slimming group Weight Watchers and the Methodist Church Elders, the former because it is clearly stipulated in their mission statement that they must oppose any direct policy from Slimmers World and the latter because they adhere to Victorian values such as prudery, repression and sending small children up chimneys. 

At planning level the site of the proposed nudist area was agreed to be kept as far away as possible from plain view, and from the children’s playground so after much discussion it has been decided to construct a nudist beach by the village pond. 

Most villagers we spoke to were enthusiastic about the project although there were a few dissenters. Mrs. Wanton, 42, who lives next to the park round Ash Grove, enthused “What a wonderful idea! I normally sunbathe in the altogether in my back garden but it’s rather secluded. Now I can get ’em out on the common for all to see. I’m so alone while Mr. Wanton is on nights”. 

The Good Witch Mango told the Scandal “All nudity is good for the soul as it releases evil spirits within. Now Sister Stella the Unelected Mayor has promised to abolish the ducking stool, us witches can at last perform our ceremonies unfettered without having to climb that blasted Mount Harefield first!”  

Tom Pepys, 29, who lives with his parents  in Countess Close, feigned disinterest when he spoke to our reporter “That sort of thing doesn’t appeal to me, people going nude and that. I will be conducting an aerial survey though with my drone over the pond to er, count the ducks like, er, yes, the er ducks”. 

Wayne Harris, a mallard who lives on the pond with his wife, moorhen Cindy and their chicks was unimpressed ” It’s us ducks what attract the tourists, not a bunch of humans with no clothes on. We’re the ones doing the tricks like putting our heads underwater and that in all weathers. You wait and see where these so called nudists get to once it starts to rain eh? And we contribute to the local economy too. People buy bread to feed us with. How them nudists gonna spend any money eh? Where they  gonna keep their pound coins then? Up their arse? ”