There was a kerfuffle on the common last night as local pagans and carol singers clashed at the annual Harefield Illuminations Ceremony. The event was advertised by the village churches as ‘Carol singing and mulled wine on the Green’. Local celebrity Ricky G from punk band Take That Kate was booked to switch on the lights.

The Good Witch Mango got wind of the plans via her crystal iBall with the super fast modem and alerted the Peerless Drive Pagans who were firstly annoyed that the meeting was described as being on “the Green” and not “the Common”. When the Pagans realised that the Carollers intended to sing around a Yule tree they took action.

Pagan High Priest Cecil ‘Strongarm’ Armstrong called talk show host Finbar Fishcakes on Harefield Hospital Radio’s Peri Peri phone-in show. “The Yule tree is a Pagan symbol of good luck, fertility and harmony and I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise”. He went on “We Pagans will be out in force to protect our sacred tree!”

The Reverend Killjoy then phoned Fishcakes and threatened “We shall encircle the little picket fence that surrounds our Christmas tree as if it were the very walls of Jericho and we shall shake our tambourines and Christmas party like it’s 1999”.

Come five o’clock of the evening the two factions gathered on the common and began to trade insults.

“If it wasn’t for us you’d still be worshipping the sun!” shouted Reverend Killjoy.

“Dude the sun is like literally real!” retorted the High Priest Strongarm.

“Go fuck an elf!” shouted the Vicar.

“I already did!” responded Strongarm

“Hey Cecil is that you?” asked the Vicar.

“Oh hullo Killjoy” replied Strongarm “Fancy a pint and a game of darts in the Kings Arms?”

“Go on then” replied the Reverend “Last one to the bar is a wanker!”