Village supplies of Old Bedwetter Ale were running low last night after a false alarm sparked panic buying. An unwitting Harefieldian saw a headline about queues at the pumps in the Daily Hatemail and naturally assumed there was a beer shortage.

Consequently at opening time yesterday there were queues of impatient customers outside the Kings Arms and the Harefield Inn. At the Football Club the members were already suffering with hangovers following another mighty Hares cup win, the Cricket Club members sauntered in muttering ‘Dashed bad show!’ and ‘It’s just not cricket!’ whilst at the Royal British Legion Ex Serviceman’s Working Man’s Social Club there were no customers at all as they had mistakenly joined the wrong queue and were busy getting flu jabs in the Church Hall.

Transport Manager Orson Cart from the Old Bedwetter Brewery at the Malt House told the Scandal “There’s no shortage of beer and no need to panic. To keep up with demand in this current rush on supplies we’ve employed some orcs from Mill End to help expedite our deliveries but some of them slaughtered a dray horse and ate it”.

Local fuckwit Errol Terry, 47, from Claire Close on the Gilbert O’Sullivan estate posted on the Facebook page Harefield Up Your Arse, “I have a four bedroomed detached house with an in and out driveway, stone cladding and carriage lamps on the gate, with room for a crocodile farm in the garden. Am willing to swap for one pint of sweet sweet beer.