As we enter the third Covid 19 lockdown where thousands of people are dying every day and a post Brexit dystopia where we still can’t control our own borders, where homelessness is at an all time high after ten years of austerity and lack of mental health support has reached crisis point, the question of every Harefieldian’s lips is “Where does all this dog shit on the pavements come from?”

The question was first raised by Bunty Saddlebags on the popular Facebook page Harefield Up Your Arse. Bunty, 72, from Beef Curtains Close on the Burberry Estate posted “Thank you to whoever let their dog crap outside my front gate. I rode my bike through it and now I’ve got shite all up my hallway carpet”. Local Facebooker Frank Gammon ranted “What kind of human being lets their dog do that? It’s disgusting!”

We sent our investigative reporter Freddie ‘Snoop Dogg’ Faeces into the community to find the answers to these questions and more.

The reporter, er, reported “Well I spoke to some dog walkers in the village and looked at the replies to Bunty on the Facebook page and it turns out everyone picks up their dog poo, puts it in bags and takes it home with them. They must use it as compost or something. Not one single person said they don’t clear up after their mutt”.

“So I concluded “ he droned on “That all the dog crap on the streets must come from all them lost dogs you read about on Facebook. From the amount of lost dogs posts there must be packs of lost dogs roaming the streets shitting everywhere!”

We asked local nutter and naturalist Rambling Syd Arsehole of his thoughts on this and he said “Daft twat! Who does he think ties up those plastic bags of dog shite and leaves them hanging in trees in the woods eh? Bastard wolves?”