Harefieldians sweltered in temperatures of over 100 degrees Fahrenheit today as the heatwave looks to continue until Friday, with cold weather and rain expected for the long Bank Holiday weekend. 

Office workers sunbathed on the common in their undies and the pub gardens were full of thirsty drinkers seeking refreshment and shade under the Old Bedwetter umbrellas. 

The new Unelected Mayor Stella Stilleto gave all public sector workers the day off, to curry favour with them before announcing the forthcoming cut backs and redundancies. 

The nudist beach by the pond was jam packed even though the blokes from the council haven’t finished clearing away the radioactive waste dumped from the new secret power station at the shit works in Maple Cross. 

Children cooled off by swimming in the canal down by the Beer and the Barge whilst their parents got pleasantly pissed in the garden. 

PC Brigade was relieved of his position on points duty at the crossroads, suffering from heat exhaustion and was replaced by a laughing policeman machine left behind after the fair in 1963. 

The Harefield Amateur Dramatics Society abandoned their dress rehearsal of It Ain’t Half Hot Mum! in the Church Hall and instead went to run through their lines in Mr. Bacon the Butcher’s freezer. 

Even the vicar found a novel method of keeping cool. “I’ve been sitting with my bollocks in the christening font” exclaimed the Reverend Killjoy “Fuck me it’s hot!”