The Piss Artist formerly known as Prince Andrew has been exiled in disgrace to live in Harefield. King Charlie the third sent his Royal Nonceness Randy Andy to the village to escape the rumours and gossip surrounding his brother’s recent scandals when he was caught in Pizza Hut in West Drayton with Rolf Harris’s former girlfriend.

Andrew has been forced to give up his royal titles and the family surname. He will revert to the original family name of Saxe-Gotha Carlsberg-Schickelgruber. He has been allocated a room in an HMO in the High Street overlooking the Junior School playground and is expected to keep himself to himself whilst slowly integrating back into village society.

The Scandal sent our Royal Correspondent Ian Bred to interview the sweaty nonce. He told us “I’m sure I will be made welcome in the village and look forward to joining the British Legion Social Club where my grandmother the Queen Mother once worked behind the bar. I’ve heard they have good junior discos there”.

When asked what he intended to pass the time with no Royal duties to perform he replied “I’m hoping to start doing some voluntary work, maybe something with the Girl Guides, Brownies, that sort of thing. A bit of football coaching, I’m told Harefield under 14 girls could do with some help on match days. Christ, is it me or is it hot in here? I’m sweating like Fred West watching Ground Force”.