Royal layabout and fifth in line to the Throne of England Prince Harry (pictured above at a wedding) has booked Harefield Football Club for his stag night, it emerged today after his forthcoming nuptials to German prime minister Mrs. Merkle were announced. Harry is no stranger to the football club, having attended the crèche there as a child back when his mother used to shag that doctor from the hospital in the Spotted Dalmatian car park. He also spent a season incognito as Harry the Hare, the popular Harefield United mascot, before he went in the army.

Former player, club stalwart and spokesman Moulder Evans told the Scandal ” Harry loves a good piss up, a sing song, some strippers and a punch up so he wouldn’t go anywhere else really. As it’s him we said he could have it any night he wants as long as he pays for any breakages but if it’s a bingo night they’ll have to go in the front bar. And it’s extra if he wants sandwiches “.

The event is scheduled to take place the night before the wedding some time in spring 2018, hopefully not on a Friday night as it’s busy then normally and the club would need to get another barmaid in.

Prince Harry’s Royal Equerry Sir Percy Polo-Horse told our Royal Correspondent Jenny Inbred-Cousins “One is looking forward to His Royal Highness’s bachelor party immensely. The itinerary includes starting in the Halfway House, one in the White Horse, then the Mines Royal, across the road to Smoky Joes, a couple in the Kings Head then the KA. We may pop in the cricket club but they’re a bit sniffy in there about Nazi fancy dress. Then it’s the football club for a lock-in unless the Legion has reopened by then. They’re not so fucking stuck up in there as they are at the football club. One would imagine. What time does the kebab shop shut?”

Prince Harry on the piss.

Harry the Hare 2004-5 season.