The committee of the Taylor’s Meadow Bowls Club have cancelled a friendly match with a Russian Lawn Bowls team over doping fears. The team, Perestroika LBC, were due to play the Hill End Road side as part of their European warm up tour before the Rio 2016 Olympics. 

Following widespread international condemnation of performance enhancing drug taking by Russian athletes, the unanimous decision was made by the bowls club executive committee late on Sunday night after a long day bowling and drinking. 

Club Captain Terry Messy told the Scandal “Bowls is a very serious game not to be taken lightly. It has an image of being only for doddery old folk like myself but we have members as young as fifty five! You need a clear head to play, there’s no place for these mind bending drugs the Russians take”. 

He took a big swig from his can of Guinness and carried on “We adhere to a strict dress code also and I’ve heard some of these Russians don’t take the etiquette seriously enough and turn up wearing all sorts. God knows what sort of a mess they’d make of Gordon Lilac’s bowling green once they start taking their marijuana drugs and their Purple Hearts!”

Our reporter contacted the Russian captain Ivan Angover at his team’s base, the Hooker Motel, Staines. He informed us “What is wrong with these people. We don’t take drugs before we play, we sell them. You want nice girl I send to your room? ”

He went on “We now have friendly match with Ladyboy Bowls Club in Ruislip. We play them, we beat them, we drink vodka then we come to Harefield, smash up bowls club who disrespect us. No one fuck with Russian Mafia, er, bowls team!”

“Vodka?” Hoppy the Geordie, losing finalist in the Harefield Pub League Final Play Off Final retorted when he heard the Russian threat “They’re welcome here anytime. I’ve heard those Russian women scrub up quite nicely once they’ve had a shave”. 

Russian captain Ivan Angover.