Thousands of Harefield children were left bitterly disappointed on Christmas Day morning after air space over the village was shut down due to rogue drones obstructing Santa’s flight path. The offending unidentified flying objects were first observed at sundown on Christmas Eve and the Harefield Constabulary were alerted.

The Force’s finest, PC Brigade and PC Backhander, were dispatched to the top of Mount Harefield to investigate the suspected criminal act. After drawing a complete blank two scapegoats were arrested. An SPG Bastard Squad was drafted in from nearby Uxbridge Nick and two HS2 protestors were dragged from the Peace Camp and detained illegally without charge for three days. Swampy McSwampface and Felicity Kendal-Mintcake were eventually released without apology when it transpired they had both been chained to a digger at the time of the alleged offence.

As usual, villagers were quick to condemn. Local misery guts Mr. Grim-Fairytale, 72, a retired drain inspector from Righto Guv Close on the Sweeney estate said “Who do they think they are trying to unselfishly save the planet on our behalf? You can’t stop progress! Ten pee for a plastic bag? Piss off!” whilst teenage harridan and mother of four Alison Alcopop, 14, from round Ash Grove screeched “They shit in the bushes! Probably “.

Airspace was finally opened late on Thursday night after the pubs closed and Santa, who had been stuck in a holding pattern over Maple Cross, finally delivered his presents to impatient Harefield boys and girls. “Ho Ho Ho!” he told the Scandal in an exclusive interview “What a load of bollocks that was! By the time I got down the chimneys all the mince pies has been eaten and the glasses of whisky that children leave out had mysteriously disappeared. Sod it, I’m back off to Lapland, that new gentleman’s club in West Drayton. Ho Ho Ho everybody! Merry bastard Christmas!”