A 1980s style ‘Private Shop’ has opened in Harefield High Street where the CoOp used to be, ending speculation amongst the villagers about what would replace the popular convenience store.

Rumours had it that the empty unit would be a Halal butchers, a Wetherspoon style pub called the Rusty Trombone, a much needed fourth off-license, a fish and chip shop or even a tattoo parlour come surgical appliance shop. The most popular choice according to an opinion poll in the Facebook page Harefield Up Your Arse would have been a Benidorm style mobile scooter shop, with a Bedouin camping gear store in second place so villagers were startled on Saturday when the porno emporium opened.

The business owner ‘Sleazy’ Sid Seedyman was outside offering passers by leaflets advertising his wares. “We’ve got the best jazz mags going” he claimed “Tits, fannies, the lot. All top shelf stuff you wouldn’t believe “. When he was told by a shopper that you could get all that on the internet for nothing now he replied “And I’ve got VHS videos of birds with big jugs! Don’t tell me you can get that on your computer ”

Before long a protest group of Young Farmers gathered outside with banners proclaiming NO PORNO HERE and TITS OUT. “We don’t want this sort of thing here” argued local redneck Ian Bred “It’s more of a Maple Cross thing. We just want to be left in peace to interfere with our sisters like decent country folk!” he ranted, waving his six fingers around.

Sleazy Sid Seedyman. “Tits, fannies, the lot”.