Harefield’s favourite slimming club,  Fat Busters, is to close its doors at the end of the month due to lack of interest. The club , which meets in the Catholic Club on the last Tuesday of every fortnight, has enjoyed some great evenings over the years but apparently now membership has dwindled due to the lack of people sporting the ‘fuller figure ‘ in the village. 

“We seem to be victims of our own success ” group leader Doris Golightly, 54, from Sanitary Close, told the Scandal “There’s no more fatties left around here now, we’ve trimmed them all down to the lithe slender athletic types you see around the village”. 

Harefield was recently voted the healthiest place in the world to live in the latest issue of Wotcher! magazine and is world renowned for the Harefield Healthy Heart Plan, a centuries old lifestyle that the Mediterranean Diet was modelled on. Professor Pigpoo from the Institute of Complicated Thinking explained “Harefield people have experienced a healthy lifestyle going back donkeys years. They grow fresh vegetables on their farms and allotments, the shops are full of good food and drink and the local ale Old Bedwetter is so full of nutrients it’s practically a hop smoothie. Due to the unique micro climate longevity is commonplace and some of the village’s wizards, witches and hobbits are centuries old”

Certainly with more than half the population of Harefieldians turning out for the daily workouts on the village green the future is looking decidedly dodgy for the Fat Busters brand. We asked Ms. Golightly about her plans for improving the health of an already incredibly fit village. 

“I’m not at all bothered” she told our reporter “Easter is coming up. Give ’em a week of scoffing chocolate and those fatties will soon come waddling back full of remorse!”

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to complain about your story on the Slimming Club which is absolute Bollocks. This is a fake news story. The real Club is thriving at the Cricket Club where I am a member. Due to their expertise I have already lost twice my own body weight and I regularly win Slimmer of the Year as reported in the Daily Shite. 

Yours in skinniness 

Paul Nuttal

UKIP Leader.