Animal rights activists held a demonstration on Harefield Common last  night after a duck was shooed away when a small child fell in the village pond. 

It appears the small child, three year old Kevlin Smithers-Jones, slipped off the steps by the memorial and stumbled ankle deep into the murky waters whilst his mother, Tracey Spencer-Tracey, 29, was looking at her iPhone 6S. A mallard who was near the child then was shooed away by a bloke from the council. 

Onlooker and witness to the child’s ordeal, Mrs. Sally Fudgecakes, a fifty three year old widow from round Ash Grove said “It was terrible. One minute the child was scaring the ducks while his mother was playing on her iPhone 6S, you know, the one with 3D Touch, and the next minute the boy was ankle deep in the water with ducks all around him”. 

Local busybody Jessica Nosy-Parker, 43, chipped in ” It’s the mother what should be shooed away not the poor ducks. These young girls get themselves in the family way to get a council flat round Ash Grove and where’s the father I ask you? Probably in the Legion spending his dole money on pints of Old Bedwetter I shouldn’t wonder”. 

The boy’s mother replied “Nosy old cow. I was just posting on the Harefield Up Your Arse Facebook page, saying how easily a small child could fall into the pond if his mother wasn’t looking and next thing I knew Kevlin was standing in the water with a great big duck swimming toward him. Anything could’ve happened if the bloke from the council hadn’t shooed it away!”  

The mallard, Wayne Harris, who lives on the pond, told our reporter Gladys Friday, just back from her holidays touring the souks, bazaars and crack houses of Menorca,” I was swimming along, you know, putting on a show for the tourists, sticking me head under the water and that, when this kid stumbles into the old water like. I went over to see if he was alright when this bloke from the council starts shooing me away!”  

The bloke from the council, James Paraffin, 54, from Claire Close on the Gilbert O’Sullivan estate, reckoned he did the right thing. “I’m no hero, I was only doing my job like any normal bloke from the council would have done. Rules is rules and if you didn’t have rules where would you be? That’s right, France!”  

The Scandal contacted the boy’s father, Jason Wastrel,32, from Broadwater Lane, who was in the Legion spending his dole money on pints of Old Bedwetter. He answered “What, Tracey? I had a kid with Tracey? I only shagged her twice. And she’s called it what? Kevlin? What kind of a stupid name is that? Mind you I’m not surprised she let him fall in the water. Silly cow. Wanna game of darts?”  

The demonstration on the common by the animal rights activists is expected to go on all afternoon until the bar at the football club opens. Group leader Felicity Comfortable-Shoes, 47, from Sargeant Carter Close on the Sweeney estate, begged the Scandal “What kind of society puts the safety of an unattended man cub before the rights of a poor defenceless mallard who was only trying to help out where the mother had failed her care of duty. They shouldn’t be allowed kids these fertile young women!” 

Just then an angry mob wielding pitchforks and flaming torches started assembling the village ducking stool by the pond. “Fuck that!” she cried “I’m off!”  

The pond where the unattended small child fell in.